Adoption, not for the faint of heart

Our family is on the adoption journey and we have had a whirlwind of a time. I know it is widely known that adoption is unpredictable and matches of children can fall through, but as smart as I am and as hard as I tried not to get attached, I found it impossible. How do you not love a little child who until you arrived on the scene was unloved? How do you keep your heart in check and not let your emotions run away at the thought of adding a new precious baby to your family? This was the case for us. We were matched with a 1 week old baby boy. He is the picture of health, the most adorable little boy you have ever seen. His mother is homeless and we were told the father was unknown. His bio mom decided to give him up for adoption because she said she could not care for him the way he needed. Because of this we went shopping for him to buy diapers, formula, bottles, clothes and all the other necessities of a baby. We also added a teddy bear that each member of our family kissed and hugged for him to feel all of our love and fedexed it straight to him.
The law in Jamaica is that a baby must be 6 weeks old before the mother can sign off and hand over her parental rights. That was a long few weeks waiting. 6 weeks was getting closer, so our facilitator flew to Jamaica to get our paperwork handed in and the baby's medical and passport started. She met the bio mom and our little son. Mom once again assured us her full intentions were to sign him over to us.
Jordan and I were strongly contemplating the possibility of moving our family to Jamaica for 6 months so we could personally care for our newest son while immigration and all the loose ends of the adoption were being completed.
Yesterday we got the call that she has changed her mind, there is a father and he is going to take the child. Part of me was happy that he gets to stay with a birth parent, but a bigger part of me mourned the loss of my son. How could I have allowed myself to get so attached? How does one fall so deeply in love when you've never even met in person. I tried to guard my heart, but in the end I allowed it to open widely and love a precious little person who I knew in every fibre of my being was my son.
The pain I felt as my facilitator uttered the words "she's changed her mind" can only be compared to the feelings and emotions I experienced when I had a miscarriage. A child you are expecting is no more.
I am so very thankful that he is alive and thriving, but it still feels like I am grieving the loss of a child. I didn't expect this to affect me so deeply.

I know we will have another match in the future and I am hopeful and excited for whom God has for our family. In this moment I'm trying to find and focus on the positives. I have 3 beautiful boys who I love and cherish every day and a husband who has devoted his life to making my dreams come true. I am truly blessed. I'm also thankful to have a strong network of family and friends who support and love us and are along for our journey.

Through this experience, I still don't think it would be possible to keep emotions under wraps.
Head knowledge says don't get so emotionally invested next time, but the heart is another thing.
Next time we will love as hard as we did this time and I'm believing it will have a happy ending for us.